The Head Space

feeling a little overwhelmed again. the other night i got to share my viewpoint on how it aint easy being up all the time. how the crash can be rough and the worst part is the spectators constantly asking- are you ok, are you ok?

the people i have gotten along with best are the ones that know when to leave me alone. it aint hard. somebody doesnt want to talk, dont talk to them. but the question pops up- are you ok?

and i answer as best i can- yeah, im all right- just dont feel like talking.

sometimes i go with my alternate answer- i just feel like listening.

its great hearing people talk about themselves and the patterns they fall into. we all have em. some are great talkers, others are great braggers, a few are neither and then there are the i dont give a fucks. they are really, really few and most notably highlighted by the fact that they constantly exclaim- i dont give a fuck- loud enough for all to hear. one of the kids in my class is like this, every time something happens- he doesnt give a fuck. hes always trying to be the class clown and goes out of his way to talk to every girl in the class but, dont get it twisted- he doesnt give a fuck.

kinda hard to get em him to care about class and how he brings the program down a notch when he feels that there isnt enough attention coming down his way when he doesnt care what happens but thats the challenge and i am trying my best to keep him in the loop without resorting to my first defense against this type of behavior- not actually caring. ya know- ya say somethting- i ignore it. since you dont care what the world thinks, then my opinion has to be that much smaller, right? like i said, its a challenge and i’m trying my best to adjust.

urbana was fun last night. really fun and not in the customary jackassery. the poetry coming down the pipe was interesting and all of it was unique to the voice of the poet. celena took the whole thing with taylor in second but the real highlight for me was watching regie cabico rip his heart out on stage for his first round poem. how he snuck in that much image, emotion, laughs, reflection and resolution into two minutes is beyond me. regie being regie, he followed that up with a one minute diatribe on wanting to get down with ashton kutcher.

i had a nice chat with him afterwards and got his thoughts on the slam, newer work, taking chances at 34 vs taking chance at age 23. i didnt realize that regie was my same age and that puts me back to a place i havent visited in a while- age vs experience.


bonafide- 25 years old but in poetry time hes been in the mix for almost eight years.

cristin- 25 but a SM since 19

then there are the richs and matts who are young and pretty young to the game

then theres me, going to be 34 this year with almost three years of experience in poetry. all poetry (other than my on the job training i have never taken a poetry class in school and havent been in school since i was 20). chilling with my age group- guy, lynne, rog and such- i sometimes wonder what would have happened if i had checked out the nuyo in 92 and where would i be now. take the lil time travel back in my head and wonder if i would have written my same poems earlier or what. its always an exercise in futility but its one of those things that keeps popping up. rog broke it down for me really well once and then i was able to let it be a thought that comes and goes rather than a lingering regret.

the coolest thing as of late has been the decision to step down as SM. i have never been really good at saying goodbye and have always opted for the slow fade rather than the quick cut. this goodbye is feeling better and better by the day. the proof will come in seeing the slam next year and how that will work out but the slam (at least at 13) is a thing alive unto itself and will continue no matter who is in charge.

so hear i am talking at air and wondering who listens. i am pretty sure who reads this though a surprise pops up here and there. honestly, i am not a fan of a lot of blogs. you can only say the same thing so many times, ya know. the cools ones are the ones that throw me a curve ball from time to time or the ones that take me to places i havent been. i started this one more to document what i see going on. (note- that was before the nyc blog craze hit though i was unaware of the slamfamily LJ circle- funny how most of nyc is entrenched in blog and the rest of the slamfam loves LJ) with everybody and their muse dropping knowledge as to what is happening- i wonder where i should take this bad boy next. maybe document some more on what is going in my education as a teacher? the road to mental health recovery? my relationship with my family, the actual blood one? theyre all hypthecticals and i am not trying to figure out what the readers want as much what i want. i just feel like the room of poetry blogs is getting a lil bit crowded and my normal reaction to that is to find the quiet corner and then just listen.

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